I don’t know why I do this to myself, but this is still one of my most favorite memories ever. Still wish we could somehow go back but I know it’ll never happen, but I can certainly say I’ll never forget what you meant to me
Philippians 1:3Well, things are finally getting back to normal…
Normal as in us being friends but me having an incredible amount of feelings toward you as always but not being able to act upon them. Only difference now is the reason why I can’t. Yep, normal, just like the good ol days and like how you wanted it
My prayer is not to love her anymore. Is that too much to ask?
That being directed towards a God whose love is infinite; for me, for you, and everyone else, no matter how much we sin against him. I feel he wouldn’t allow it. I believe he’d encourage me to continue to love her just as he loves me no matter what sin I commit against him. Maybe a difference sense of the word love that I’ve come to know, but love none the less. Knowing that, my sinfulness fights that thought, my flesh wants to get rid of those feelings all together. Or worse, it wants to turn it into hate by feeding me lies, or even truths. But no matter what’s true, or what’s false, God wants his light, his love, to shine through me as a witness to Him. That’s the whole point of Philippians 1:27 - WHATEVER happens, conduct yourself in a manner worthy of the Gospel of Christ. It’s hard, it’s a constant struggle and makes me feel bipolar at times, but anything less than continuing to love is not worthy.
It’s kind of funny how many times I’ve had to remind myself of that verse because of her. Way back before we even started dating it popped up on multiple occasions. And each time I’d get hurt and try to convince myself not to love her. I’ve known her “reputation” and how much easier it’d make everything if I could just stop, but I feel God stopped me from stopping.
And with that said, after everything that’s happened; all the hardships, the feel of betrayal, all the truths, or lies that I’ve been fed, everything! I do in fact still love her and I simply can’t stop! I now know that eventually will never come.
So with all this revealed to me, I change my prayer from “not to love her anymore” to “transform my love from a romantic love to a Christ centered love” and that I know is not too much to ask.
I should not have become an astronaut
Lauris Paulus
Kreuz, 2006
